Frozen Words

Dear 2023,           You’ve been one hell of a ride. You have taught me how to grieve and put the pieces back together, to take a step back when it’s necessary… how it’s okay to be vulnerable and that it doesn’t make you weak.            You taught me a lot about love, loss and finding myself, about how I should not have to compromise my asks just because someone thinks they are too much. They aren’t. You taught me that the perspective I have matters a lot. Sometimes, losing the battle you spent two years fighting can only be won when you give up. So, that's what I did. I see the light now. The moonlight did guide me home, but sadly it wasn’t supposed to come with me. But the presence stays, like a stain or a promise... I'm not so sure anymore.            Here I am, celebrations, small wins, a life-changing heartbreak and a newfound happiness later… I was wrong. That boy not being my ‘one’ was not the end of the world. In fact, him not being the ‘one’ was where my story began.

As she sat there, watching the thunderstorm show its rage as if it has been bottling it all up for ages... she knew there is nowhere else she would rather be, no place else that would make her feel as alive as seeing the lighting close the distance between the sky and the ground does. At that moment, she was typing on her laptop, furiously... Someone might say she was trying to match the fury of thunder... the way she was looking at it, the night never roared so loud. She hasn't witnessed anything as chaotically beautiful as tonight ever before. Perhaps she felt so belonged to this menacing weather because it felt familiar. That's how she's been feeling lately. Like a mess, a storm that doesn't know its purpose. Surely, creating destruction as it goes cannot be the only thing she's been put on earth for. There has to be more. There always is. and I think she's been questioning that, a lot. What is her purpose, to be here? Alive and well but lost in her own mind.

Loving you has been a constant high and losing you even though you were never mine to call was the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life. But even then, you did not ruin the idea of love for me. You are not a regret, a mistake, or a getaway. You are a place I called home, somewhere I would have stayed for a lifetime. You are the first and only person I loved with all the walls down. This is never going to happen again. This kind of innocent, vulnerable love was meant only for you. You took it with you when you walked away. And yet, I am glad you did. I am glad it was you whom I loved with my heart on fire. I never seemed to mind being under your spell. I am glad that I could say, ‘this boy with honey-brown eyes and a kind smile is the one I would do anything for.’… Even then, even now, always. I am glad you were that one person who showed me just how much love I had left to give, the love I failed to give to myself. I am glad I had to let you go. It hurts still. From time to time