Perhaps.

Loving you has been a constant high and losing you even though you were never mine to call was the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life. But even then, you did not ruin the idea of love for me. You are not a regret, a mistake, or a getaway. You are a place I called home, somewhere I would have stayed for a lifetime. You are the first and only person I loved with all the walls down. This is never going to happen again. This kind of innocent, vulnerable love was meant only for you. You took it with you when you walked away. And yet, I am glad you did.

I am glad it was you whom I loved with my heart on fire. I never seemed to mind being under your spell. I am glad that I could say, ‘this boy with honey-brown eyes and a kind smile is the one I would do anything for.’… Even then, even now, always. I am glad you were that one person who showed me just how much love I had left to give, the love I failed to give to myself. I am glad I had to let you go. It hurts still. From time to time. I wish things were different, wish I found you first, wish this, wish that… But at the end of the day, I know in some parallel universe it worked. This thing we have. I know, in that world, we just knew. And I didn’t need to fight this hard, I didn’t need to bear these many scars. Letting you go was not my first choice… But did I have any other?

Accepting that I will never run out of excuses to love you brings me more peace than denying you owned every bit of my existence… because you did. You did. I know this is not what either of us deserved so, I believe this cannot be the end… but a pause. A chapter that says ‘…to be continued’ but not right away. You know though, that it will come around. The right chance. It always does. I do not know when or how, but there is this feeling, a single thread that tells me not to cut you off or bury our memories six feet down. So, I don’t. They can stay as long as they want to. Everything connects in the end, right? Nothing right now makes sense. I tell myself to wait. One step forward, no steps back.

The past, though doubtlessly mesmerizing, pulled me down too many times. I don’t want to remember that. But I am holding onto the good memories. They give me a reason to trust the process, they tell me that good things take time, and that pleasure comes bearing pain as its shadow. As I write this down, I have a smile on my face. A spark of hope in my eyes. You said hoping is useless here. Don’t. It is all I have right now so, do not take it away from me. I will not let you. But I won’t stop you. You can leave for as long as you want, swim the oceans and touch that dream you’ve always had. I will pray for you, wherever I will be.

This is love, perhaps. A wish turning into a desire. A desire into a want. Blink of an eye and that want has become a need. And the need disguising as a prayer, again wishing you will hear me.

This is how I know you did not ruin the idea of love for me.

This is how I know you are not a regret, a mistake, or a getaway.

You are the place I called home.

You are the words every poet searches for.

You are the breath that defies death in every war.