Frozen Words

As she sat there, watching the thunderstorm show its rage as if it has been bottling it all up for ages... she knew there is nowhere else she would rather be, no place else that would make her feel as alive as seeing the lighting close the distance between the sky and the ground does. At that moment, she was typing on her laptop, furiously... Someone might say she was trying to match the fury of thunder... the way she was looking at it, the night never roared so loud. She hasn't witnessed anything as chaotically beautiful as tonight ever before. Perhaps she felt so belonged to this menacing weather because it felt familiar. That's how she's been feeling lately. Like a mess, a storm that doesn't know its purpose. Surely, creating destruction as it goes cannot be the only thing she's been put on earth for. There has to be more. There always is. and I think she's been questioning that, a lot. What is her purpose, to be here? Alive and well but lost in her own mind....

Loving you has been a constant high and losing you even though you were never mine to call was the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life. But even then, you did not ruin the idea of love for me. You are not a regret, a mistake, or a getaway. You are a place I called home, somewhere I would have stayed for a lifetime. You are the first and only person I loved with all the walls down. This is never going to happen again. This kind of innocent, vulnerable love was meant only for you. You took it with you when you walked away. And yet, I am glad you did. I am glad it was you whom I loved with my heart on fire. I never seemed to mind being under your spell. I am glad that I could say, ‘this boy with honey-brown eyes and a kind smile is the one I would do anything for.’… Even then, even now, always. I am glad you were that one person who showed me just how much love I had left to give, the love I failed to give to myself. I am glad I had to let you go. It hurts still. From time to time...

They say, “memories last a lifetime” and at the same time, “nothing lasts forever”… I don’t think that’s true at all. I think, every single thing that has made an impact on you, even for a short while, will live with you until someone makes you a star in the night sky just because they miss you too much. You take those memories, those people sometimes as a hope to keep moving forward or sometimes as a burden over your shoulder that you just can’t seem to shake.  Which one of these was he for me? My indecisiveness yet again makes its way through the things I was so sure about just yesterday. We were good, he and I. The ones who rarely used WhatsApp became used to that ‘ping’ sound, and the girl who believed in sparks became the one to deny it and for what? Because it was too good to be true, because it seemed so effortless… It was the easiest thing I ever came across, talking to him. And so, the fear of ruining it all got in the way. I didn’t try to fight it. I guess I should have g...

Have you ever crossed paths with someone who made you let go of everything you ever believed in? Someone who taught you newer definitions of the emotions you never dreamed to live? Someone who could have been the one… only if the timing was right? The ‘wrong’ time can feel like an excuse sometimes. I swear to God, for me it does feel like something that shouldn’t matter but it does. Timing does matter. Not to be the sadistic version who blames the time but it’s true and you know that in your heart too. Now, on the bright side, I think that there comes a point in your life when the timing is right, when that won’t be an obstacle anymore. And the ones who are patient enough to survive and create a life with just one corner reserved for their “the one”, do get the right chance.  I think of that when I am writing about you, about us, about the I love you I almost said. You are not my soulmate, I tell myself. Though, you are a part of me I do not know how to live without. You feel very ...

I believe, at least once in your life, you find someone who you feel connected to like you’ve known them all along. The flicker of a past life lingers in the back of your mind and hope for a future where both of your lives mend together, always keeps you breathing. This is what it feels like to know you. Like you were there when I was ten and playing hide and seek with my friends, you were there to tell me it will be all right when I was twelve and my friend didn’t invite me to a birthday party, you were there to help me take it one step at a time, until the day we finally met… For every moment that has shaped me into who I am today, you were a huge part of it. Even if we didn’t know each other until last year, there was a sense, there was your presence making a way through the walls I’ve built, oh so very quietly. So, when I say you are important to me, know that I mean every word of it. Life has a way of being cruel to the kindest souls. I have come to a theory that maybe it is a g...

Someone I know recently asked me, “So, what’s the end of this story?” and it got me thinking… Is there one? Are we flipping through the last few pages of your chapter in this story of my life? Is this it? I would be lying if I say I never thought about this before. Of course, I thought about how my life would fall apart if you walk away, how every dream that started with you will be deserted… and I don’t want to suffer this much because I have survived too long with this, came too far. And letting you go will be the hardest thing I will have to do, no matter how long I would be preparing for it.  And so, I decide not to interrupt. The timing is wrong and maybe, just maybe that is a good thing right now. I try to think about us in some parallel universe where all of this is not so complicated and confusing. Where you are the ease I need, a safe place and your presence is something that belongs to me and me alone. It is easy to get lost in those sweet false hopes that I wonder if the...

I loved him dearly. The way you love someone with no expectation. I would see him in front of me and that was enough. Knowing that he’s under the same roof as me, knowing that I can hear his laugh even from a distance was enough for me. He was enough for me. But I guess, there was always a want of more, a craving, kind of hunger that only his lips can bring to rest.  I don’t know how to exist without knowing how he is doing. His thought will forever be in the back of my mind, constantly trying to take over all the other thoughts I might have. The insane thing is, even though I know I deserve so much more than what he gives me, I am still stuck and drunk on the way he feels. It’s very comfortable, somehow familiar to me as if I have been here before… he feels like home. Even the complete silence by his side makes me want to dance around the room and smile… He makes me want to smile.  Is he even aware of how much I love him? I recall waking up to the best view, I recall waking u...

I once compared him to the moonlight. The way it never fails to amuse me. There's always a sense of 'you can lean on me and tell me your secrets' to it. And I don't think I would be able to survive so long with all my secrets bottled up inside this heart of mine, most of which belongs to him from the very beginning... The moonlight was there to tell me that I don't have to keep it all in, that I can break down and be naïve and fall in love with all the wrong people and still, that won't change the way I love, that won't make me weak. I think darkness is overrated. We give it too much attention and it doesn't have to be this way. I was a completely different person when he came into my life. He helped me a lot and he doesn't even know it. There were a lot of moments where I knew this spark between us is meant to turn into fire and burn everything to the ground and I can see it still. Sometimes too bright that I am afraid of all the things we would d...

It happened As slowly as spring gives itself into the fall It happened As lightly as snow falls on the ground The thing is It was not supposed to happen He was not meant to be the one Who sweeps me off my feet He was not meant to be The only one who makes me the happiest He was supposed to be still As still as an island far away from one's sight He was supposed to stay hidden Like a wish I made but never told it to the stars Instead He was a river Flowing and flowing and never letting anything stop him He was the face I saw When I used to talk about the things I'd love to write about He was the calm waves every sunrise would bring in He was everything I told myself to stay away from And yet I couldn't That was my fault His magnetic force attracting Every fibre, every drop of blood in my body And I could not say no I couldn't look in those eyes And see nothing because There was always something there Something so wrong yet right So wild ye...

It was either him or no one at all. Every morning, a part of me would wish to get a text from him, anything that will let me know that he thought about me, that I crossed his mind. I swear to god, everything was so much easier when we were almost together. We never confessed our feelings, never gave a name to whatever we were, never tried to define it. We both thought we had time… we thought we will figure this out and that it all will be okay. The end was unexpected, unprepared for. I could never wrap my head around almost having him and then losing it all in the blink of an eye. I hate how he took it like it was nothing at all, I'm not sure if this hurt him too and he doesn't know about the heart-wrenching pain I had to go through, alone. We both were hiding our misery and as it turns out, we both are good at it. If this goes on like this, him, pretending nothing ever happened and I, typing down everything I want to scream at him… we both will bury our half-written story unde...

The sea looked inviting. I felt as if it was calling me, asking me if I wanted to join the waves. To tell you the truth, I wanted to jump and see if it feels as wonderful as it looks from the balcony of my room. I wanted to see if the sea would take me in and carry me safely or show me why many people fear its unpredictability. From where I was sitting, I could sense the fragility the sea held, no matter how much of a strength it presented to the world. One wave carrying the other and so on, it was a sight to watch. It is something you can never get tired of looking at. It felt as if each wave carried a thought of mine with it and that felt good, seeing the reflection of my mind instead of my face was something I would want to experience more often. The endlessness this sea holds is so powerful. I think the ocean drowns far more desires than the darkness ever could. Maybe that’s why it is feared. This unpredictability of the sea should be complimented. It is a living proof that ...

Here's the thing, this is all new to me. A sense, something far more than I can understand. There were so many things that could have gone wrong, so many moments I would have easily missed if I had chosen to stay home, to not show up… But it all worked out perfectly. I am still wondering how the hell did I end up here. I never pictured myself adoring someone so much, I did not know I had this much love left to give, to share, to create laughter and memories with. To be brutally honest, I am not someone who enjoys being in one place, belong to anyone else than herself. I hate it. I always did. But I guess, there's this freedom that you brought along, something that never made me feel obligated to do anything I don't want to, to live my life and just know that you will be there and that made you different from everyone else I have met before. And more familiar than I could ever imagine. I don't like to let people in my life. I have been hurt before and yes, building a...

There are times when I could feel your presence slipping away from my life a bit by bit and I don't try to stop it. I just let it leave, tell myself if it meant to stay, it will. There are times where I almost let you go but then, I recall begging for your name to be written on every page of this story of my life, I know how bad the idea of losing you tore me apart, I saw how seeing you leave made my whole existence feel very little, if not nothing at all. So, I believe there are going to be moments where I will grieve over letting you go without ever getting the right chance to love you and moments where I will be grateful for your absence. As time passes, I realize how much of an impact you made on my life, how in such a short while you gave me a lifetime to look forward to.  There are still some things that left unsaid, words that made me feel closer to you when you were miles away. I write about the things that will never be heard, things that will always survive and never be f...

I sometimes wonder how many poems, stories will be there that never got an end? That never were given attention and were just abandoned? What happened to them? Are they still somewhere waiting to be looked at? Are they still in some corner of a house collecting dust? Can you imagine how many masterpieces, legendary lines, golden pages would be there just waiting to be found by someone? How many love stories, tragedies would be there willing to be shared but no one to bring them out in the world? I feel sad for all the letters that were never sent to the right address, for the half-written pages that just sat there on the table, words of which consumed in spilt ink and stained tears. I feel sad for the ones who never received their letters, who never got to know about the love that was dying slowly yet was living and breathing for one reason, the love that was yet to begin, that was hoping to begin. Do you want to know how I feel about you? That is how. If you read all the unsent lett...

I wish there was a way. A way to see myself a day before I met you, so I can warn her about all the butterflies that will turn into dust in no time. A way to tell her not to get lost in those honey brown eyes and not let their sweetness melt the walls built around the heart at that instant. But there isn't. Of course. How foolish of me to even think about this. But then again, it was my fooled heart that kept hoping for things to get well between you and I, that kept hoping for you and I to become 'us'. It didn't know how difficult it was going to be to get myself stand back up on my feet after that fall.  I know I should have known about that 'X' mark my heart made right where you stood...  I know it wasn't ready for the world I was about to enter after you.    After .  Don't get me wrong But we knew what we were walking into,  We assumed the path was an easy ride So we let our hearts control me & you.  I'm sorry but I tried to make  some sen...

Hurts, doesn't it? To end the chapter you wanted to keep rereading, you wanted to keep writing, you wasted too much energy on that now you don't even have energy to flip the page? I think the answer, even though we all know it already, doesn't really matter. It shouldn't matter. Why be stuck in place if you have a whole world out there that's waiting for you to show the things you've have never seen before? I guess for me, it was because I found everything I was looking for in him.. When I looked at him, it didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. But Why take the reckless fall even after knowing how many stitches your heart is going to get in the end? Maybe because I wanted to feel the pain. The pain that would make me go down on my knees, praying for this to end, praying for this to just stop...stop for a minute and go numb and feel nothing at all. Maybe I wanted to feel the pain because I thought it would make me hate him. But how can I hate him if...

Time is a funny thing, isn’t it? I am a firm believer that everything comes to you at the right time and I think that is the only thing that keeps my head held up high and my heart safe. If I never knew about this ‘right time’, I never would have understood why some events took place in my life, why things that broke my heart also gave me a nudge that I needed to move forward. I read so many quotes about how time heals everything. I think that’s not true. In a sense? Yes. I think as time passes, many things in your life lead you to be the stronger person with a tough heart that has its doors locked and windows slightly opened. As time passes, everything just makes sense and even though, it doesn’t end the pain, it sure does help you to numb it. The following poem is called ‘Time to Time’. It’s about how I, even though I know I shouldn’t, still think about him. like he’s a place I can’t escape, a book that doesn’t end or a poem that is so beautifully complex that I have reread it over...

I heard sometimes you have to let things be. You can’t push it, you can’t stop whatever’s going to happen, you just have to tell yourself to let it go, to let that thought have a life of its own. But what do you do when the thought is about someone you can’t get out of your head? Are you supposed to let that weirdly familiar feeling stay in your heart and just let it help you breathe? I can’t help but think what if this is all there ever was? What if this is it? What if the one I want was only meant to make a home in my heart without letting me enter in his? What if, for him, I am just a girl who he thinks he met a few weeks back and for me, he is everything I ever wanted? So, to sum up everything I feel, everything I wish I could tell him, I wrote this letter. A letter I hope he finds and gets to know everything I can’t bring myself to say out loud. A letter that maybe will flip the page and help me begin this chapter of my life… Dear you, I want to confess a few things. So, rea...

How hard can it be? To love a stranger? I don't know why but I'd like to give this a thought. Can you love someone at first sight? Can you feel this insanely familiar feeling just when you hear their voice? Is it possible to have that someone in your thoughts constantly so that it doesn't even feel like you actually don't know each other at all? Now, there are billion other questions like this and answer to each of them depends on you and that stranger your heart knows already.  Loving a stranger is something I never wanted to think about, I always wanted to keep it aside because I don't think you can keep someone you only saw once in your thoughts. To be honest a stranger doesn't have to be someone you only saw once and never again. It can be someone you see every day and you even talk to that person and still, even after all the things you try, there is nothing you know about him. There is nothing you can do to make him realise how crazy you are just to be the...

Isn't it nice that you can love someone for who they are? Like, you know they won't be perfect because no one is. But for you, that person is just everything you ever wanted to complete your life. There are times when you feel like that person might not be the one, that he might hurt you one day but then your heart tells you that it's never going to happen because he is the one. He is what you will need at the darkest times, on the brightest day. He is the only one who will be there when you are at your worst and when you are at your best. It's wonderful how your heart can be so sure of something that your mind has doubts about. Someone I really love once said, "No matter what, always listen to your heart. Because your mind knows everyone and everything but your heart knows only you." The following poem is something I wrote yesterday because I just had this sudden urge to tell him how much I want to hold my hopes high because of him and how bad I want to los...