The Storm

As she sat there, watching the thunderstorm show its rage as if it has been bottling it all up for ages... she knew there is nowhere else she would rather be, no place else that would make her feel as alive as seeing the lighting close the distance between the sky and the ground does. At that moment, she was typing on her laptop, furiously... Someone might say she was trying to match the fury of thunder... the way she was looking at it, the night never roared so loud. She hasn't witnessed anything as chaotically beautiful as tonight ever before.

Perhaps she felt so belonged to this menacing weather because it felt familiar. That's how she's been feeling lately. Like a mess, a storm that doesn't know its purpose. Surely, creating destruction as it goes cannot be the only thing she's been put on earth for. There has to be more. There always is. and I think she's been questioning that, a lot. What is her purpose, to be here? Alive and well but lost in her own mind...? It's loud. Overwhelmingly loud in her mind and the voices... God, they do sound like hers but she won't ever say the things those voices do. Mean, cruel lies. Why does her own mind wish to bring her down?

The weather tonight made her miss him. She wishes she could talk to him. and of course, she can if she wants to but she knows better than to go down that road again. Timing and patience. She has to trust both. honestly, more than that, she has to trust herself, that she will make it out of this with her head held high and heart in all the right places... That hope is stronger than fear and it will always win, no matter what. She must trust that the other side is worth everything the universe is trying to take away from her.

The thunderstorm was breaking the silence... A fight, she thought, and she knew who will win. Silence stood no chance. If the thunder was a person, she would be terrified but then again, she never related to anything more than the thunder itself in the moment. If the screams she was bottling up inside were to be heard... She would never be the same.

Right there, on the staircase with her laptop trying to store her words... She thought about everyone that has wronged her, everything that has gone against her will, every moment that made her feel less of a human. She thought about every prayer god didn't listen to and every wish the falling star failed to complete. And she wrote it all down. As if these words will never belong to her after tonight, as if she needs to prove to herself that she has not gone insane and that she is still there... Fighting, surviving.

There were people and twists and turns, mistakes made from her side, and bullets with her name written on them... She dodged it, barely so. She had her falls, she lived her highs. And despite everything, she was here, watching the cloud roar, making her feel at home.

She never realized when the silence became her enemy and chaos, her dearest friend... But it's not a myth anymore. The chaos embraced her and made her feel like a beautifully flawed human in-between rights and wrongs... Silence never took an effort to do that. It never tried to make her stay.  

So, she will never deny the moment she wished the lighting to choose her because she wanted to witness it all, the destruction and the recreation of everything that lost its way. She wanted to know if it really is possible... to be a total mess, create havoc and still feel beautiful and worthy in someone's eyes. 

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