back to him...

I loved him dearly. The way you love someone with no expectation. I would see him in front of me and that was enough. Knowing that he’s under the same roof as me, knowing that I can hear his laugh even from a distance was enough for me. He was enough for me. But I guess, there was always a want of more, a craving, kind of hunger that only his lips can bring to rest. 

I don’t know how to exist without knowing how he is doing. His thought will forever be in the back of my mind, constantly trying to take over all the other thoughts I might have. The insane thing is, even though I know I deserve so much more than what he gives me, I am still stuck and drunk on the way he feels. It’s very comfortable, somehow familiar to me as if I have been here before… he feels like home. Even the complete silence by his side makes me want to dance around the room and smile… He makes me want to smile. 

Is he even aware of how much I love him? I recall waking up to the best view, I recall waking up to his touch, I recall thinking it is just a dream, I recall praying not to wake up. It’s so difficult to wrap my head around the fact that this did happen, that for a moment, everything was perfect, everything made sense, everything felt just right… You can love someone all you want but expecting something in return has an unknown power to wreck things apart. So, I had to push my expectations beneath the water, let them drown, let them go. Unloving him is impossible and my heart will hurl, hurt and heal at every sight of him but I have to be okay with knowing that he isn’t the one for me, and take a step away from him. Because I’m afraid to lose myself if I keep loving him like this. 

It's disturbing to know how much I’ve wanted him. It was so intense. His presence was entangled with my whole being even after I knew he would never be mine, not always. I knew he was a chapter, one of the few I couldn't put down, one of the few that had an impact on me and who I am today. I have said this a million times now but he is a chapter so unforgettable that no matter what happens, no matter how far we end up from one another, the way his fingers danced on my skin will linger in my memories until the very end of this story of my life... the way he smiled, said my name, there was always a hint of something I know I would never be able to figure out. 

I let it be. I let it stay. I let this familiar feeling reside in my heart and let it take as much space as it wants because there is no other way this story will end. I am always going to love him more, this road is always going to lead me back to him. 

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