inexplicable

Here's the thing, this is all new to me. A sense, something far more than I can understand. There were so many things that could have gone wrong, so many moments I would have easily missed if I had chosen to stay home, to not show up… But it all worked out perfectly. I am still wondering how the hell did I end up here. I never pictured myself adoring someone so much, I did not know I had this much love left to give, to share, to create laughter and memories with.

To be brutally honest, I am not someone who enjoys being in one place, belong to anyone else than herself. I hate it. I always did. But I guess, there's this freedom that you brought along, something that never made me feel obligated to do anything I don't want to, to live my life and just know that you will be there and that made you different from everyone else I have met before. And more familiar than I could ever imagine.

I don't like to let people in my life. I have been hurt before and yes, building a wall around my heart was the only way I knew to cope with that pain of feeling lonely in a crowded room. You need to know this. You need to know that it's not easy for me to let all my guards down and let you take over my heart like it's always been yours. You need to know that when I was working on myself, I got so used to feeling good on my own that wanting to give someone the power to make me happy seems too risky.

But you also need to know that this is the first time I'm feeling something I can't define, no one ever made me feel the way you do. I can't define it but I will try over time to describe it to you… It's warm, and as calm as the sea at midnight when you can see the reflection of the moon on its surface perfectly still. You need to know that you make me want to try and be honest with what I feel instead of running away because of the fear of being too vulnerable or hurt.

What I am trying to say is you make all this effort worth it. I have written about my feelings before, I read in books about characters who always have that spark when they are together, saw it in movies but now that I am living it, all I know is that it would take me a lifetime to fit all the things I wish to say in just these few lines. I think somehow, I have always known about this. I think a part of me knew we will meet one day and say things that we never knew we will have a chance to say out loud. The confessions made me realize that there was a reason why you never went out of my mind, why I was always reminded of you even when there was no reason to. I am yet to find out the reason and that's okay. We've got time. This all still feels like a dream. Everything I feel is inexplicable. And at the same time, it's beautiful. So beautiful.

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