Blank Pages.

Its weird, isn’t it? Loving a part of someone. A smile or colour of their eyes but not their soul. I mean, it hurts a little less. Though it gives away so many lies and takes away your soul’s little piece. This blog is about that someone, about that feeling which came while looking in his eyes and hearing him calling my name.

He is like a winter morning but right when the sunshine hits your cold body. So peaceful and feels like flying. I loved him. I really really did but did he love me? The question with an answer which changes very frequently. Even though sometimes it feels like he really did love me like he said, after that one session with my counsellor, I doubt him. The thing is, I have been holding all these words for a long time now and I guess, it's finally time that I let it all out. Because it's way heavier than I thought and even though he was my everything once upon a time, now just thought of him feels unfamiliar.

There are nights when I miss him like crazy, just want to be in his arms, just want to be able to call him mine but then again there are nights where I hate his smile, his name, his eyes, nights where I hate everything I once used to crave for. I think it is normal. I guess you are fine even though you have a broken heart. They say ‘time heals everything’, I think it does. I want to believe that it does. But did anyone tell how much time it takes? Ten years or a whole lifetime? Because moments like these don’t wash away easily. They just stay there like a scar which is never going to fade. And whenever you look at it, your mind starts replaying all the things you told each other, all the lies you kept telling and calling it a ‘promise’. I don’t know if I will ever be able to move away from that sweetness of promises. Got to say, I’ve got a sweet tooth.

I am so far away from him, in every aspect. But when I come back to those hallways, we once made eye contact in, when I come back to the rooms we once shared laughs and secrets in, when I come back home, I miss him. Not like ‘I want him’ or ‘I need him to be mine’ but more like ‘I wish we ended up on good terms so that we could just hang out and catch up on everything our life’s been throwing at us.’ It really hurts to know that there is nothing we can do to make it all okay again. It hurts to know that this is it. This is the end. A very incomplete, unfinished but yeah instead of comma or semi-colon, it’s time to put a full stop. I used to think that there are maybe more blank pages in our chapter that we could write once we get things right. The tragedy is, I will have to keep them just the way they are. Blank. No words. Empty with oh so many invisible ‘I love you’ we forgot to say along the way.

Isn’t it difficult to say goodbye to someone you thought will keep your heart safe? I think its hard to know that you have so many things which are left unsaid but at one point you were worrying if you run out of words. It’s sadly hilarious how I am begging my heart to stop writing on the blank pages because now the ink has run out and I’m too tired to refill it. I can’t nor do I want to remind myself once again how hard it is to put a The End to a story which I never wanted to end.

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